Thursday, June 7, 1900
The Danger of Euphuism
“Can I tell you the meaning of euphuism,” asked an older man of the younger men on the staff.
“It is the pleasant art of calling a bootblack a gentleman of polish, and it’s very valuable in newspaper work provided you do not carry the joke too far.
“I remember when I was a ‘cub’ myself and was working out in Denver, a fellow came in one day and asked me to write a nice little notice about the marriage of his brother to a girl over in Centre City.
“Who is the bride? I asked, so as to get some material for a paragraph; ‘what is her father’s occupation?’
‘Why, he’s a teller,’ said my caller, with some hesitation.
“All right,” said I, and thinking it would sound a shade finer, if I referred to the lady as “the beautiful and accomplished daughter of the well-known banker of Centre City.”
Next day, the boss came in foaming at the mouth.
‘What in the blazes do you mean by speaking of that old – – – as a banker?’ he bellowed. ‘He’s a professional clairvoyant and the biggest old fraud out of jail! He’s got an old ad in the paper right now, offering to reveal the past and future for 35 cents and a lock of your hair!’
“I was overwhelmed with chagrin and hunted up my informant. “Why did you tell me that the girl’s father was a banker? I asked reproachfully.
‘I didn’t,’ he answered; ‘I said he was a teller.’
“It’s one and the same thing, I retorted.
‘No, it isn’t, said he; ‘you jumped at the conclusions. I didn’t mean a paying teller, I meant a fortune teller.” – New Orleans Times-Democrat
A WARNING TO BORROWERS
A man, who was too economical to take this paper, sent his little boy to borrow the copy taken by his neighbor. In his haste, the boy ran over a $4 stand of bees and in 10 minutes, looked like warty summer squash.
His cries reached his father, who ran to his assistance, and, failing to notice a barbed wire fence, ran into that, breaking it down, cutting a handful of flesh from his anatomy and ruining a $5 pair of pants. The old cow took advantage of the gap in the fence and got into the cornfield and killed herself eating green corn. Hearing the racket, the wife ran, upset a four-gallon churn of rich cream into a basket of kittens, drowning the whole flock. In her hurry, she dropped a $7 set of false teeth. The baby, left alone, crawled through the spilled milk and into the parlor, ruining a $20 carpet. During the excitement the oldest daughter ran away with the hired man, the dog broke up 11 setting hens, and the calves got out and chewed the tails off four fine shirts.
A CARD
Editor.
In the issue of the Times of the 17th, you call attention to lawlessness in this county, and correctly attribute it to the unlawful sale of whiskey.
You say that “many persons have the illegal traffic here” but that we lack men who are willing to take the initiative to aid the officers to close the places, presumably here in Marlinton.
This, I consider an unjust reflection on the law-abiding citizens of Marlinton and is an intimation to outsiders that this class is small in Marlinton. On the contrary, we have as many law abiding citizens here as in any other place in the county, and these citizens have shown in every possible way their willingness to aid the officials to eradicate this evil, and stand ready now to take the initiative to bring about his result if they can have the assurance of the support of the proper officers of the county and of the court.
If complaints are made, will you sustain with your paper all efforts to punish the offenders and to abate the nuisance?
Let us all understand each other.
Resp’t. H. A. Yeager,
Marlinton, W. Va.
May 18, 1900
ARBOVALE
And, by the way, it rained again.
Misses Virgie Gillespie and Lexie Sutton were in town one day last week.
John Coff’s little girl, aged four years, was very badly scalded the other day. She is not expected to live.
Fount and Glen Arbogast were up to Travelers Collapse last Saturday and Sunday on a fishing scout.
The graveyard at Arbovale will be cleaned up next Thursday. Let everyone come out and fix up the graves of the ones they love.
This town is on a boom. There are eight dwelling houses, one church, harness shop, post office, store, carpenter shop and milliner shop: all inside the corporation.
We are sorry to learn that Amos Gillespie had a fine horse stolen.