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Thursday, July 8, 1915
Noah Hoover, of Thorn, is here this week. Thirty-two years ago he finished the Presbyterian church building which was torn down this week. When the job was finished he missed a favorite hatchet and while here this week the same hatchet was returned to him by H. B. Hannah who found it hid away in the boxing when the roof was taken off.
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Ben Davis, who devoted many years of his life to inventing an apple, has recently manifested  violent symptoms of a violent intention to invent a family to eat it. He now wears a bouquet in his buttonhole, parts his hair in the middle and threatens to shave. Ben evidently means business. – Frouche Valley (Ark.) Herald
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Mace Liverwurst borrowed a lawn mower last Monday and took it home, but Mrs. Liverwurst was busy trying to get out several washings she had promised for that day, so Mace returned the mower to the party from whom he had borrowed it and will not ask for it again until his wife has time to use it. Mace says he has won forty-three games of checkers already this week. – Altoona (Kan.) Tribune
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Old Samuel Johnson who was something of a glutton, allowed that there is nothing which has yet been contrived by man where so much happiness is produced, as by a good tavern or inn. There is no private house in which people can enjoy themselves so well as in a capital tavern. To which may be added the old joke about the Scotchman in Chicago who could not sleep for thinking about the price the hotel charged him for the bed.
It is true that a good hotel can alleviate if not abate homesickness and good entertainment is appreciated by that intangible thing that is known as the traveling public.
In the course of wandering up and down the earth seeking peace and finding none, one is impressed and oppressed by the grandeur of the finest hotels, and hauteur of the help from the bell-boy to the bartender. They did not mean to be unkind. They were busy and did not have time to stop and get acquainted. The bartender has no doubt refused the friendship and confidences of princes and potentates and is not needing any new friends. A good motto for a bartender is “Aut bibat aut abeat,” which means “imbibe or beat it.”
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We consider that the man who keeps sober is the fortunate man and we believe that soberness is a progressive state of human conduct, that is, that the longer a man stays sober, the easier it is for him to remain so, and that being sober, he doesn’t cut quite so wide a swath through the ten commandments as he would if he was drunk.
But next to the sober man, we consider him a good citizen who observes the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not get drunk in the neighborhood in which thou livest.
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The Rev. Joseph Johnson, of this city, does not feel that he is guilty of infraction of the State fish and game laws today, although he did catch a one-pound bass in a most unusual way.
The catch was made at a baptism in the river. One-half the converts had been put under water, when the minister felt something in one of his trouser legs. He halted the ceremony several times while he was putting a convert under the water as a cold, clammy thing got farther up his leg and  finally got above the belt line and in the folds of his shirt. He found the intruder was a bass and allowed it to remain at his bosom until he finished the services, and he took the fish home and had it fried for dinner.
The above dispatch was published in a Pittsburgh paper and purports to be sent out from Marlinton. As usual it is inaccurate and unreliable. It intimates that no attention will be paid to the matter, whereas there is a movement on foot to pursue the reverend gentleman for fishing on Sunday.

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